Saturday, October 9, 2010

Taking responsibility...And yet...

The first act Daniel took after rehab was to turn himself into the sherrif's office for not completing diversion training for a DUI 3 years ago. Upon hearing that he's 4 months sober, has a sponsor and is living in an Oxford house, the judge let him go without bail and simply said to show up to court 3 weeks later.

3 weeks ended this Wednesday and Daniel faithfully appeared in court in his Sunday-best looking better than ever. His 3 buddies (all graduages from the same program) tagged along for moral support. Daniel was sentenced to 48 hours in jail, 2 yrs parole, and some fines, of course. He was disappointed, but the judge explained that had he resolved it within the year, he would not have been sentenced as such. But it had been over 3 yrs, so that was that.

Driving him home (48 hrs later), I heard all about how terrible jail is and of all the rules included in his parole. Rules like not setting foot in a bar, not leaving the state without permission, being subject to random drug screens, etc. After getting an earful, I asked, "Do you think any of this will help you?" To my surprise, he said, "Absolutely, I need all the accountability I can get." And he went on to say how it will be easier to tell others that he cannot go to a bar/club due to parole rather than to divulge that he's an addict. I immediately understood that there are just some people that don't need to know. I've got my own list of them.

So off we went to IOP (intensive out-patient) where I joined him for a family session. Sigh.

Yes, it's great to be in this place of recovery. I never imagined we could have come so far in 5 months. I am quick to share with my close friends the good things that are happening. And yet, deep down, I wonder if it will last. And I am deeply grieved the my son's social group consists exclusively of recovering drug addicts and alcoholics. How I wish he was shooting the breeze with college classmates. I wonder why he is so quick to identify with the criminals he met in jail. He seems fascinated with their stories; I can only take so much of them.. They are so far removed from the life we had together, it confuses me.  Outwardly, I am upbeat and positive. Inwardly, I am still so disappointed, grieved, and sad. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe I'm in some sort of denial and not wanting to face the ugly reality that my son is still an addict and will struggle with that his entire life. I'm tired trying to figure it out. Good night, everyone.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Checking in

It has been 3 weeks since my son left rehab. He has transitioned to a sober living community and is attending AA almost daily and an intensive outpatient program 3 nights a week. He is checking in with me and even brought 3 of his new buddies home for dinner last night. It was a great evening, talking openly about their recovery experience, the nicknames they've given each other, and the funny things their counselor said during treatment. I learned that I, together with two other mothers (whose sons were eating with us) have been dubbed "The Tender Trio". How funny is that? More so, it is beautiful that they have learned to see with more compassionate eyes what they have put their family through. When they left, I closed the door behind me and the first thought in my mind was, "So THIS is what it's supposed to be like!"

You see, in the past, Daniel didn't really want to socialize with me and rarely brought friends home. If we had dinner together, the conversation was shallow and just long enough till he was done with his dinner. How refreshing it was to have him back for an evening. And I actually liked his friends. Sweet boys. Young. Vulnerable. But sweet. God, I pray they make it.

Today Dan reported to the courthouse for not completing diversion training (DUI a few years ago). His 'rehab' success story helped, but he still has to spend 48 hours in jail and be on probation a couple years. After receiving this news by phone from one of his friends that went to court with him, I hung up and told myself "I'm going to live my life" and continued with my plan to shop over my lunch hour.

We have both made progress. We are both in recovery. We are both learning to live our lives differently. I am learning that I need to live my own life, regardless of the good/bad that happens in his. He is learning that being honest and responsible means facing the consequences. Good lessons. Hard lessons.

And how are all of you? I'll have to go browse your blogs...