Wednesday, May 26, 2010

This is my first blog. Not sure what I am doing

Numb
Angry
Bewildered
How did this happen to me?
To my beautiful boy?
Where did he go? I look at him and he appears to be there. Tall, so handsome. Beautiful smile. Charming. But it’s all a fa├žade he is not really there. Somehow, God I don’t know how, but somehow he was overtaken by this person who lies, deceives, gets high just to make it through the day. I don’t know him. Where are you? How am I to live without you? I can’t trust you. I don’t know you. Where are you?
I cry
It doesn’t help
I try to keep going. It requires pretending that everything is fine. That I am ok when I am really dying inside. Do you hear me? I am dying inside? You don’t even know. You’re clueless, wrapped up in you own selfish desires and warped reality.
Am I supposed to feel sorry for you? Because you’re a helpless little thing caught in a trap and can’t free yourself? But do you get it? You’re the one that walked into it. I tried to warn you. God, didn’t I warn you? Why did you have to do it? Why did you have to?
Now I am wrecked. I can hardly work. I look at my projects and I don’t have the energy to face them. But I have to keep pretending “everything’s fine”
So now I’m the one with a ‘disease’. It’s called codependency. I call it a broken heart. It’s broken badly. It hurts worse than getting a divorce, worse than anything. If you choose to live this way I don’t want to live any more. The pain is too much for me. I wish you could hear me.

7 comments:

  1. I could have written every single word here and I have felt every single thing you just described (my son is even tall and handsome like yours! but aren't they all handsome in our eyes?). I got mad at all the same things. I didn't like hearing that suddenly I needed to go to meetings because my son had a problem (I'm one of the few that never did go to Al-Anon, but its helped so many people its worth checking out for yourself to see what you think).

    Anyhow, you are not alone. I am so genuinely sorry that you have to experience this hell. I wish there was a good solid answer or some words to give you hope. The anger does go away...right now it sounds like you are grieving the loss of who your son was. He may never be the same person again, but he can be an even better person someday...Don't give up hope for that. He needs you to believe in him. But we are here to listen to you so let it all out!!!!

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  2. Barbara pretty much summed it up! We're here, and we care! Suggestion: Please please please try several Al-anon or Naranon meetings (Alanon is easier to find I think, but the message is the same and often, the folks there have family members who are both alcoholic and addict). Go back at least six times to each meeting until you decide it is, or isn't for you (that particular meeting). Get literature at the meetings. And please keep writing. You have a whole pile of us out here who deeply care and who are on this damn roller coaster ride with you. I will be back to read again - and I will be praying every single day, for you and your son. Hugs!

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  3. I am so glad you are here. If you haven't already, I encourage you to find an Alanon meeting in your area. It changed my life and gave me somewhere to go where everyone understood what I was going through with my daughter. Blessings to you mama.

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  4. Hi....as Barbara said,....I too thought ALL of those thoughts that you've written. There are a bunch of us that support each other through this hellish journety,...and we're all grateful for each other. Please hold onto hope that it CAN get better,....and it does change as you go forward,...to some type of accceptance that this is how it is, and from that,..how you can cope,...but should be tempered with hope. There is always hope, so please don't let that go. By the way, I have a Daniel too,...also handsome...and yes, we're all a little biased about that,...but truly. It does make your mind swirl as to how that beautiful boy turned into an addict. Hang in there and keep connected with other parents here online...it does help so much.
    Lori

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  5. Do not ever forget that your own life is precious!

    I have walked this road and felt these feelings for 4 years now. Actually, the hell started before that but that is when I knew that addiction was on board as well as mental illness for my daughter.

    As time goes on, you will regain your will to live and even enjoy yourself with our without his recovery. It is usually a long road to recovery with many twists and turns.

    Alanon helped me a lot but I sometimes regret some of my earlier tough love stances. At the time, I acted to save my daughter, then I acted to save the rest of my family or myself. I am now trying some other alternatives.

    There is no judgement here. Take care and good luck.

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  6. Not a proud family, but we are a family all the same. We love and are praying for you. It stinks , but in reality, these blogs are a beautiful thing. I am a Christian mother of an addict. And while I can say I am mad at God, I can also say I am His child and He will sustain me.......

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  7. You are not alone. Although I've had help in the past, parent programs and over a year of one on one counselling; the support that I have found here has been truly amazing. I think that the official definition of codependency is "a broken heart", at least it feels that way. At this moment in time your son cannot hear you, but we do...
    Praying for you and your beautiful boy
    Carolyn

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