Went to bed tired. And yet, in spite of the lights out and rolling over to find my usual ready-for-sleep position, my mind turns on as quick as the lights turned off. Two minutes later I hear snoring from the 'other side' where my wonderful husband slips into the night. Hmmm, benefit of being the stepparent. Meanwhile, on my side, I can think of only one thing: Daniel.
How will the weekend turn out ("family weekend" at the rehab center)? What are the chances of him beating this addiction beast? Will he need 28 days? The extended program? Who will he marry? I hope he doesn't meet anyone at rehab and get distracted. What if they both relapse? They are not ready to be parents! Will he go back to school? Will he relapse? What will I do?
I am reminded of a new term (lots of new terms I'm learning): "future-tripping" and I realize I'm petty good at it long before I new it existed. Why don't I think of the future in positive terms? Meeting a wonderful girl that makes him want to a man? Becoming responsible and getting a job? Graduating from college? Aren't these also possible? Regardless of what's possible, I think I need to get out of predicting the future and live today. I think that is what I'm supposed to do. But my mind is not so quick to obey, try as I might.
Awareness isn't enough.
3am, I am awake again. Wide awake. Thinking again.
I can't seem to let go.
A problem I cannot solve.
A problem that torments me.
I almost got out of bed to check my new blog site and see what treasures awaited discovery. I think this is my new obsession. At least, I think it is leading me in a positive direction - getting educated, encouraged, and comforted. Learning how to live a more healthy and independent life; letting Daniel own his recovery. Sharing with and hearing from a community of understanding moms and dads of addicts.
Tonight, I'll ask for a foot rub.
Maybe that will increase my chances of being the first to snore.
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I also tend to project the future mostly in a negative light. I believe we do this because we don't want to set ourselves up for a disappointment by thinking the good things only to be proven wrong once again. That being said, every time I catch myself and either think more positive or bring myself to the very present I can feel the peace. It takes practice, kind of like building a muscle. It is his journey ultimately and the more you all him the dignity to figure it out for himself and just try to be supportive, the better. I am glad the program has a family gathering, this will indeed help you. You are doing better than you might think and you are a loving and supportive mom, but make sure to take care of you first. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI think we all project the future= and it always is a repeat of the crap we have been dealing with. We want to hope, but live with reality~ Enjoy your foot rub!
ReplyDeleteI know how exhausting those sleepless night can be. I had the worst dreams about my girl, and then wake up and realize that my mind is out of control! I'd move into the other bedroom to escape my husband's snores. I finally let go and let God. I really did not know what else to do. Counseling helps, and so does Alanon. Doing something nice for youself is always a good idea. The parent weekend at the rehab was extremely emotional. I had so much hope. I am still in touch with kids who made it through rehab successfully. Unfortunately, my daughter was not one of them. I wrote on my blog about the coin she gave me that weekend. God bless and just enjoy being there and spending time with Daniel.
ReplyDeleteFamily weekend is for YOU. I thought we were going to be learning all about how to help our daughter beat this thing, and how to Fix Her. Nope.
ReplyDeleteFrom family weekend, I took away KNOWLEDGE. I learned how the brain works with drugs, what damage is left behind. I learned about addiction. I learned about the dismal odds for complete recovery (not that it couldn't be done, just that the odds were pretty low). I learned that addiction makes the whole family sick. I looked at the list of illnesses that are WAY more prevalent than normal in family members of addicts and was checking them off as I found them in us, her family members! I learned about Alanon and Naranon, and that there was a program for ME. I learned that there were people who had the audacity to tell me I could be happy, even if my daughter was fully loaded and nodding off in the chair next to me. Or even if she never found recovery. I still have issues with that one. I don't think I'll ever be Happy again. But relatively content with my life and focused on the positives - YES! Busy with my own life and persuing my interests - YES! Allowing my daughter to (as Annette said once) discover that she can do it, and experience having done it, and taking pride and satisfaction in having done it herself - YES! ("it" being recovery, or any other milestone such as finding a job, paying her way, etc).
That weekend was so information-packed that I went home and slept every chance I could for days - processing everything that had been thrown at me. It was the beginning of the assembling of my tools! Tools to my own recovery and tools to help me detach with love and parent by example, without getting in my daughter's business.
Sorry to go on about this. I will be praying, as you go through Family Weekend, and all that it entails. It was emotional, exhausting, overwhelming, and quite valuable to me as a newbie mom of an addict. God bless!!
Just wanted to say that I'm keeping you and Daniel in my prayers. This journey we travel is a process. Hang in there and know that we're here for you.
ReplyDeleteI hope that all goes well. Stay in this day. No one knows the future.
ReplyDeleteOh, I know those nights - I have found I have to purposefully and forcefully turn my brain off - and this sounds terrible with the nature of our blogs, but I so look forward to taking an Ambien (though they don't even seem to work most nights).
ReplyDeleteOf course I too spend so much time in the future. A lady at an Al-Anon meeting said the most fascinating thing. It came from a book she read... in the book the man was worried about the future and God said to the man, "That's because you're envisioning a future without me in it." I try to remember this, it works sometimes!
God bless.
I was up at 3 am too. What time zone are you in? I'll look for you next time I can't sleep.
ReplyDeleteSomething to be thankful for: you have a husband and you have a husband that will rub your feet.