Thursday, August 12, 2010

You know what sucks?

Having your bosses daughter (who is the same age as my son) show up as an intern on the employee payroll
...I'm actually very happy for both of them. I have a tremendous respect for my former manager and I am glad his daughter is successful at this stage of life. It just hurts a bit because it's another reminder. I guess the trick is not dwelling on it.

Talking to your son and feeling like you're a million miles apart
...we talked this morning. It's all business. He needs more money (we are holding his savings while he's in rehab). Even though he's doing well, in a highly supervised program, I can't help but feel suspicious when he asks for money. I NEVER had this problem in the past because I always trusted him. Now I'm trying to navigate in the aftermath of lies, manipulation, and deceit. More learning is needed. God grant me the serenity...

Waking up in the morning feeling angry about nothing
...This week has been so strange. Feeling good one minute, angry the next, and general saddness whenever I'm alone with time to think. Most evenings I go to bed sad and wake up angry. I know I'm grieving. How I wish I could press the 'fast forward' button.

Struggling with my faith in spite a long and strong walk with God I'm one of those that is not supposed to struggle. I've been a leader within my Christian community for almost 3 decades. I am currently "on leave" from being the leader of a intra-campus Bible study at work. My faith has survived an abusive husband, a painful divorce, being a single parent with sole financial responsibility of my son, a demanding job, a broken engagement, depression. Somehow, I have managed to hold onto my faith though all these things. I think deep down I understood how I played a part due to poor deicions I made. But this one is different. I suppose that I believe that if I did my part God would do his. Intellectually, I understand Daniel has a will of his own that God will not violate. Yet, somehow, I feel betrayed and let down. I believe I'll live through this valley of despair, but I sure am feeling disconnected from  God right now.

OK, it doesn't all suck. A few things are pretty cool:
  • living in the northwest during a beautiful sunny day of 85 degrees
  • enjoying time alone when hubby's away on a trip (I'm an "I" in Meyer's Briggs type inventory. As an introvert, I re-charge by spending time alone)
  • being healthy enough to participate in a 50-mile bike ride (coming up in 2 weeks). It is good to have something to look forward to, and something to motivate me to workout (especially since I'm lacking in the motivation department these days).
  • having a husband that really loves me (I finally got it right - picking a good man!)
  • having a good job that supplies a regular pay check.


  1. Good for you that while feeling "sucky," you still managed to find some good things to focus on. One day at a time, is easier said than done, but if it was easy, any one could do it! Hang in there and you remain in my thoughts and my prayers.

  2. Sounds as if you have many good things going and even those that suck can be turned to good use.

  3. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
    Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

    ask Him for more faith dear sister.. throw out yours and ask for His..

    you are Loved
    Brother Frankie

  4. I'm glad you ended the post with the positives.. It's tough to put aside all the hurt and other garbage we lug around, long enough to see some of the blessings and everyday miracles in our lives.


  5. Dear one. I share a story not shared before. Once upon a time, DH and I tried very hard to adopt a group of three children, ages 5,6, and 8. They were badly ADHD, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and a few other horrid things. They did extremely well in our home, and we thought our family was complete.

    then, CPS came and disrupted the adoption.

    I was devastated. I went insane for a short while I think. There was absolutely no reason for the disruption.

    Even the Governor of our State got involved.

    We did not get the kids back. We went on with life. We raised our children. I hated God, was mad at God, didn't understand why someone who loved me so much would allow this to happen.

    15 years later, my second daughter became a heroin addict and I had to take HER children.

    Had I still had the other three, I would have been unable to do so.

    God knew. He knew that my energy would be required to save my grandchildren from a horrible fate. To save them from abuse, neglect and possible sexual abuse.

    But, I didn't know that back then. Many of us do not get to see the Hand of God working. I have. It hurts alot sometimes though.

    It is not for us to know God's plan for us. But there IS one.

    there was a cheesy country song about 10 or so years ago. It stated it well.

    Some of God's greatest gifts, are UNANSWERED prayers.

    Peace be unto you.

  6. Wow! Ejoyed reading this post and the great responses.Gives me peace.

    In prayer for all who suffer from this disease.

  7. Great post. Great responses.

    Sorry I don't remember it exactly but Mother Theresa said something like this: I know God does not give me anything I can't handle....I just wish HE didn't trust me so much.

  8. I read a book "The Power of Praise". It was the turning point in my ability to really really really Let Go and Let God. It renewed my faith and let me detach with perfect peace. At the time i read the book my son had been consumed with his meth addiction for 10 years, had been through countless rehabs and was living on the streets in Florida. God lifted the burden off me and put it all where it belonged -- on my son. Who within a matter of months (coincident, maybe)began his recovery journey (he's been clean and sober now for three years). I'm sure you heard the phrase "God can't work with what we won't let go of". And as Fractalmom so wonderfully shared -- nothing is done without a purpose. God Bless