The Invitation Continues: Step 2

I'm relfecting on the 7 steps for applying Radical Acceptance (see my June 29th post for reference). I'm looking at each step individually to encourage myself and others to think about it, brainstorm how to apply it, and share ideas with each other. I enjoyed reading everyone's comments on Step 1, "Love and be gentle with yourself. Radical acceptance means treating yourself as you would treat someone that you truly love", but now we move onto Step 2:

Praise yourself. Tell yourself how well you are doing and stop criticizing yourself. Write down things you have done that make you feel proud and refer to it when you're experiencing feelings of self-doubt.

I don't know about you, but I am not one to praise myself. The fact is, I am very analytical and find it much easier to identify my flaws. Even when someone praises me, in my mind I might say "yeah, but what you don't know is...". So while I don't think I'm ready for the big step of praising myself my analytical bent does allow me to reflect on what I think I have done right and what I am proud of.

• I was affectionate to my son and told him often "I love you"
• I gave him a safe home, in a good neighborhood
• I encouraged healthy friendships and lots of play time
• We had countless memory-making vacations and fun weekends away from home
• We rode bikes together, we skied, we camped, we played
• Holidays were fun times together and with family & friends
• I taught him financial responsibility, how to care for himself, his cat, and expected him to do regular chores

While this isn't a complete list, it's the start of a long list of things I did right and things I am proud of. God knows I did my best. I think I just need to remind myself more often. And one day, I am hoping, I will see the fruit of my efforts.

How about you?

An Invitation to Apply Step 1 of "Radical Acceptance"

Yesterday I posted a definition of Radical Acceptance and some suggested steps for how to do it. I think it would be great if we took one step at a time and shared thoughts and ideas (or examples) of how we are doing it, or trying to learn.

Here is Step 1:
Love and be gentle with yourself. Radical acceptance means treating yourself as you would treat someone that you truly love.


I, for one, really want to get these concepts into my brain. Let's get some ideas flowing.

Radical Acceptance

My counselor introduced the concept of "Radical Acceptance" to me today. It was a brief reference so I came home and Googled the term. I found a practical definition and instructions on http://www.ehow.com/ . I think I'm going to post the steps in places I can see them. Here is the text with just a couple minor edits I made for myself:

Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting life on its own terms and finding effective strategies to cope with whatever is happening. It doesn't mean being passive, but accepting "what is" with the understanding that you have the power of choice. Practicing radical acceptance is a choice that can ease stress and depression and enhance your overall quality of life.
Instructions

Step 1:

Love and be gentle with yourself. Radical acceptance means treating yourself as you would treat someone that you truly love.

Step 2:

Praise yourself. Tell yourself how well you are doing and stop criticizing yourself. Write down things you have done that make you feel proud and refer to it when you're experiencing feelings of self-doubt.

Step 3

Accept yourself. Don't listen to the little voice in your head that says you aren't good enough. Accept the way you are, right now, without judgment.

Step 4
Find ways to support yourself. Practice radical acceptance by reaching out to friends and loved ones and allowing them to support you.

Step 5

Forgive yourself. Have compassion for yourself and where you are in your life. Acknowledge any real or perceived wrongs that you may have perpetrated in the past. Apologize if you have wronged others, and then let it go.

Step 6

Lend a helping hand to others. Not only will it make a difference in their lives, but you will feel better and more positive about yourself.

Step 7

Take care of your body, and accept it lovingly. Learn about exercise and nutrition and get adequate rest. Nurture yourself and allow yourself to feel good.

taken from: http://www.ehow.com/how_2078558_practice-radical-acceptance.html  

I also found a Bible reference that helps me practice acceptance: Romans 8:28. I think I'll go to bed tonight and meditate on that passage. Good night.

Stuck in the Blame Game

Many many thanks to all of you for sharing your insights with me on how to overcome the guilt and blame mind-game. Clearly, I've got some learning to do, and I have a good topic for my next counseling appointment. I'm attending Al-Anon and hopefully, some of that wisdom will start sinking in too. I don't know why this is so hard. My mind understands what everyone tells me but deep inside me I am low, still grieving, and finding my confidence as a mother under severe attack. I have always been confident in myself and in my parenting. I probably just need to learn a new way of mothering. New techniques for a new season.

Here is what I hope to remember (from what you all told me):

• Ask myself if any of the "stupid" things I had done in my life could be blamed on my own mother. The answer is "No" (thanks "Mom trying to Detach with Love")
• "If outcomes were dependent on Dad and Mom we would all have Einstein's...learn all you can handle about this disease. You do whatever you believe is right for yourself and your son. Every single day you cheer the successes and mourn the defeats. You never give up hope for yourself or your child."  (thanks, Ron)
• "I wasn't a perfect mom, but I was a good one. I was there, I was affectionate, I loved and adored each of my kids, I did the absolute very best that I knew how to do. " (thanks Annette)
• "You are a wonderful mother who loves her son with all her heart. Please don't blame yourself, it was nothing you did or didn't do - I promise! " (thanks Barbara)
• "You can blame yourself for enabling, for not seeing the signs or ignoring them, for focusing on his addiction and not your own recovery. You can blame yourself for not understanding enough, caring too much, loving without action, detaching without conviction. But NEVER for the addiction."  (thanks Jan)
• "...blaming keeps me stuck in a bad place and it isn't helpful to anyone. The past is over, it can't be redone. What I find most helpful is to concentrate on this day and what I can do to live it well." (thanks Syd) 

Insight Please!

To those of you who have some insight on the subject of blaming yourself for your child's addiction, would you share it with me?

A brief conversation with my son's counselor today, which included the comment, "Carolyn, it sounds like you're blaming yourself" sent me off to my lunch hour with the primary aim of regaining my composure so I could return to work for the afternoon.  What I really feel like doing is going home to cry, because he is right. Somehow, I feel responsible.

When people see 'successful' children, don't they often say, "they came from a good family"?

Don't we congratulate parents when their children graduate from college "Good job, Mom & Dad!"?

We are very quick to credit parents when children are doing well. I know, I received lots of kudos as I was raising Daniel.

Intellectually, I understand that Daniel made his choices, but emotionally, I am struggling with feeling like I must have done something wrong.

I could use a little help, here.

I am Learning

Yesterday was Father's Day. I entered the day oblivious to the fact that a sizable emotional trigger lay ahead.

We went to church. I assumed it would be 'safe' with the focus being towards the men. Wrong.

The curve ball came at me right at the beginning of the sermon (titled "Compassion of a Father") when Pastor Randy began by describing the fierce, intense love a mother has her her child as illustrated in Isaiah 49:

"The LORD has forsaken me,

the Lord has forgotten me."

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast

and have no compassion on the child she has borne?

Though she may forget,

I will not forget you!

(verses 14-15)

He continued to describe how a new mother's love is absolutely locked around her baby, that she would do anything, give anything, to ensure he was protected and had what he needed to survive and thrive.

There I was, sitting in the center of the second row in the largest church in our state listening to a perfect description of my heart towards my son. I could not hold back my tears and I wanted terribly to step quietly out of my seat, exit the sanctuary, and find a quiet corner where I could sob.

But with people seated on my left and my right; I was trapped in the second row; leaving inconspicuously was as impossible as leaving quietly.

So there I sat; and fought hard to keep back my tears. And then imagined what would happen if I could get out? I would have my crying-fest and then my day would be set on a course for sadness and emotional exhaustion (I know this routine). Is that the kind of day I wanted? On Father's Day?

This was my husband's day. He is an amazing father to his two adult-children and a more-than-I-could-ever-ask-for-amazing-stepfather to my Daniel. We did not have big plans for the day, but I did not want to ruin it.

I think this was the first time that I could look beyond my emotions and decide that, while I could not fully control them, I would not be ruled by them. Church ended and I forced myself to talk about something else.  We shopped for some cycling gear and then I prepared an authentic Chinese dinner, which Michael gobbled up! The evening went so well.

I think I am learning. My life does not have to be ruled by my grief. There is a time to cry and there is a time to cease from crying. There is a time to shop, cook, eat, and a time to celebrate! Lord, thank you for leading me one step closer to serenity. And thank you for a man that can be a good father for my son.

-Carolyn

Heartfelt "Thanks" and My Tip for the Day

Many thanks to all of you who commented on my "How do I...." post. Conceptually, I understand that there can be a difference between caring and detaching with love  but applying that in my heart is wildly difficult. Your encouragement and words of wisdom truly helped. I will be re-reading that post many times in the days ahead in hopes that the truths you all shared with me start to sink in.

My Tip for the Day:
Do something physically exhausting - it will cause you to forget your troubles, help burn extra calories (which means you can afford an ice cream cone when you're done), help with stress management, cause you to come home and crave a nice hot bath, and help you sleep all the way through the night.

I cycled 62 miles today with my husband, climbing 1200ft in the first 15 miles. I am exhausted (because I'm not anything like the thunder-leg cyclists you see at these events). I feel a great sense of accomplishment and I feel a stong desire to go run that bath right now.

Good night, friends. -Carolyn

How do I...

"You can't control his drug use"
"You need to detach from him"
"If he is bent on going to prison, you cannot stop him"
"You have to take care of yourself"
"You have to learn to emotionally detach and not take the responsibility"
"You have to let go of the guilt"

How the hell am I supposed to do that????????

How do I not care if he goes to prison?
How do I not care if he continues to use?
How do I not care if he continues to deal?
How do I not care if he maintains connections?

How do I get rid of the sinking feeling in my gut?

This is my one and only son.

Whoo Hooo for Focus!

Feeling so much better today. The recovery from this weekend's Family Communications Workshop was an event itself. Today, I am back in the gym and back to work. I was even able to focus ~ whoo hoo for focusing abilities!

Slowly, I'm learning how to take care of myself.

Another 60-mile bike ride this weekend. Time to focus on THAT!

The Source of My Hope

I feel as if I am on my own path of recovery.
Recovery from deepest grief, disappointment, and the greatest sadness I have ever known

I didn't go to work today. I couldn't.
I knew if anyone simply said "hi" to me I would cry.
It was one of those days.

It is the day after Family Weekend at Daniel's rehab
I managed fine thoughout the program
Of course, there were tears at the time of reading each other letters, but I thought I managed fairly well.

Then I got home.
I could only sit
Soon,
sitting turned to crying
And crying
And crying

It seems that recovery includes learning the truth and coming to terms with it
I am learning more truth that I want to know
Daniel is doing the harder thing: facing the realities of his father
These truths are a source of great pain
When he is in pain, I am in pain

Tomorrow he ends his residential inpatient program and begins an extended program of intensive therapy.
It will be 60 days.
Results of those who have completed it are astonishing.
I am tempted to hope
and I am afraid to hope

So I am reminded of a favorite passage in the Bible; one that I found when I was so low and without hope. It was after I learned of Daniel's drug addiction. I cried not for days but for weeks. Finally, I went to the beach by myself and cried out to my God asking him to give me hope. He led me to this verse and it dried my tears. I often begin my mornings reciting it:

"My endurance has perished;

so has my hope from the LORD."

Remember my affliction and my wanderings,

the wormwood and the gall!

My soul continually remembers it

and is bowed down within me.

But this I call to mind,

and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him."

- Lamentations 3:18-24

- Carolyn