Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Source of My Hope

I feel as if I am on my own path of recovery.
Recovery from deepest grief, disappointment, and the greatest sadness I have ever known

I didn't go to work today. I couldn't.
I knew if anyone simply said "hi" to me I would cry.
It was one of those days.

It is the day after Family Weekend at Daniel's rehab
I managed fine thoughout the program
Of course, there were tears at the time of reading each other letters, but I thought I managed fairly well.

Then I got home.
I could only sit
sitting turned to crying
And crying
And crying

It seems that recovery includes learning the truth and coming to terms with it
I am learning more truth that I want to know
Daniel is doing the harder thing: facing the realities of his father
These truths are a source of great pain
When he is in pain, I am in pain

Tomorrow he ends his residential inpatient program and begins an extended program of intensive therapy.
It will be 60 days.
Results of those who have completed it are astonishing.
I am tempted to hope
and I am afraid to hope

So I am reminded of a favorite passage in the Bible; one that I found when I was so low and without hope. It was after I learned of Daniel's drug addiction. I cried not for days but for weeks. Finally, I went to the beach by myself and cried out to my God asking him to give me hope. He led me to this verse and it dried my tears. I often begin my mornings reciting it:

"My endurance has perished;

so has my hope from the LORD."

Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
the wormwood and the gall!
My soul continually remembers it
and is bowed down within me.
But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him."
- Lamentations 3:18-24

- Carolyn


  1. I am sorry that you have had a rough day. It happens to me when I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Take care.

  2. We should never give up hope, even when it is hard. It is hope that takes us from one minute to the next, from one day to the next, from addiction to recovery (some day).

    You continue to be in my thoughts and my prayers; and it is okay to let it out the day after Family Day...to say a weekend like that is not emotional is just not the truth. Everyone deserves some recovery time, even you!

  3. I love the prayer and that you are working through your grief toward your own recovery. Go easy on yourself.

  4. Hi CC, You visited my blog awhile back and I'm just now showing up here. Thank you for this Scripture. It helps me. We give our grief and our tears to God. My prayers are with you and your son.