The doors swing open today for family and friends of patients at my son's rehab center. Why is it that I don't want to go? Is it because my parents are visiting and that helps me feel off the hook? Is it because the drive is 2-hours one way?
Part of me wants to see him. And part of me is still angry. And part of me fears getting too hopeful. And then there is the sad thruth that I just don't enjoy his company right now.
Am I withholding support by not going? Am I sending him a negative message? Will he think I don't care? I really don't know. What I do know is that I don't feel like going. And I am glad that when I saw him last, he told me I don't have to come (since Grams and Gramps were coming).
Still, I feel sorta bad for not going. I feel bad that I don't want to go. I feel bad that I longed for two years for my son to move back to his home state/town and now that he has, I'm so shocked and grieved to see his life up close.
Intuitively, I think I'm on course for this "new normal". I think other moms will understand.
I hope one day it will be different. In the meantime, part of me looks forward to next weekend when I see him during the second Family Weekend. Strange - all these conflicting feelings. I'm not even trying to sort them all out anymore.
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He knew you would not be coming due to your parents' visit. Try not to feel guilty, you are taking care of your own needs and nurturing your sadness and grief. Distance from our addict kids allows us some peace and time to center ourselves. I know that the family meetings at the rehab where my son was were very helpful to me personally and I learned a lot. I hope that will be your experience if and when you decide you want to attend. Enjoy your parents and give yourself a break. (HUGS)
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is best to just take care of ourselves. I have to keep the focus on myself most of the time and not do those things that instinctively don't feel right to me when it comes to the needs of others.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like you're doing really, really good to me! What I mean by that is that you already realized trying to figure it out is pointless, so you are letting it go. I think I'd feel the same way you do. Enjoy your parents and go visit another time. A two hour drive is a loooong way. How often are these visits? Let go of the guilt...Trust me, your son KNOWS you care. Missing you will probably do him some good. In retrospect I wish I could have visited my son less while he was in rehab (it was only 20 mins away). Everyone says it cause its true: take care of yourself and your needs.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like you're doing just what you need to do. You have proved to him for his whole life that you love him. Now you get a chance to love you and take care of you a bit!!
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