Thursday, June 10, 2010

I Asked

My head is spinning.
I am at work and just got off the phone with a counselor at the rehab clinic.
My son completed a behavioral assessment to determine if he's ready for an intensive long-term treatment program. I asked for an update after the assessment.
I asked.
Maybe I shouldn't have.
Nothing all too surprising, I suppose, but it still felt like a slap in the face after the conversation sunk in.
He seems to be an expert con artist, manipulator, with multiple modes of denial in full-force operation. A camelion that changes his colors depending upon who he's with. A young man that judges himself by his intentions and his own thoughts rather than his behavior. A young man with anger and rage.
I got a long list of examples but I cannot seem to remember any of them.
Hmm, my own denial must be alive and well.

Where did he learn this?

My son is broken. BROKEN. In spite of a good home. In spite of a loving mom, doing well in school, well in sports, lots of friends. In spite of all the @$%#$)*#)@$ effort I put into doing the very best I could.
How does this happen? I still don't get it. I cannot find the rationale, the reason, the explanation for how a happy, healthy boy turns into a man that cannot be trusted. My mind cannot wrap around it.
Oh God, please help me walk through this.
Help me do my job, it is so hard to focus.
Please fix him.

Back to work...


  1. My heart goes out to so many countless others I've been right where you are. I think sometimes I almost hate the "addict behavior" more than just the addiction itself. I have a the rage and anger something that has manifested through addiction or has your son had issues with this prior to addiction? I ask because Jake tells me that he's got range and anger issues and he doesn't know how to make it stop. I've never actually seen it (directly) nor has his dad or grandmother....but his girlfriend has been on the receiving end more times than I care to count. I know he needs counseling and he keeps telling me he does, so I'm fairly sure he would go, but he's almost 20 with no money and no insurance....not sure how to help him with this, but I'm thinking and looking. A 12 step program would be a good place start but he's not as open to that (long story). Just remember you aren't alone and if you need to talk I'm always available. Where there's life there's hope and God hears the cries of his people, especially those of mother's!! I have to keep reminding myself that God isn't finished with any of us yet and he has a plan, so I try to remember this and trust in him as I already know that you do!! (((HUGS))) and prayers!!

  2. Thanks. I was talking to Michael last night about how much I can identify with the scene of the Israelites who are camped up against the Red Sea and the terror of seeing the Egyptian army approaching. God had not left. He didn't fall off his throne. He was not busy with someone more important. It was simply one scene in a story. They were unaware of the next chapter: God demonstrates who has all authority.

    Lord, help me not to be overwhelmed by this oncoming enemy who wields evil power and might and strength. Show me who You are. I want to be overwhelmed by YOU. Show me your glory.

  3. No, he did not have issues with anger or rage before his addiction. He just had issue with arguing. I thought he could be a lawyer, he had the tenacity of a hungry dog with a bone.

  4. I have a friend who has anger issues. He is ADD and a recovery alcoholic. I don't know whether it is the ADD or the alcoholism that have warped his thinking and behavior. But both make it very difficult for his girlfriend and parents with whom he seems to act out more than others.

  5. I want to offer inspiration and encouragement, but all I can offer is empathy. Your son sounds so much like Heather, and I feel as overwhelmed. The arguing (of course she is majoring in pre-law *when* she attends school) - my husband and I often said as she went through high school what a great lawyer she would be IF she was a criminal defense lawyer arguing cases AND if she could learn some empathy.
    The police Baker acted her last year and sent her to a psychiatric hospital - we were actually glad - she'd finally get some help - NO - she bamboozeled them and was released immediately the next morning.
    Enough about me and my problems! Just know you are not alone in your disbelief/frustration and have sympathetic ears out here.
    Love & hugs to you!

  6. Syd mentioned ADD...Jake is ADHD, but the hyper part has subsided. He's always been more of a clown with a loving heart and no real anger issues. I've wondered if the anger comes somewhat from the horrific things that many of these kids have seen and lived, nightmares in my opinion, through their addiction...just a thought. Jacob has told me stories that just make me cringe's truly a seedy underworld out there and for kids as young as they are, it has to leave great immpressions. I'm praying for all!

  7. Drug addicts are all the same. They are all master manipulators. They are con-artists. I wonder at times if Stevie is a sociopath. I pray not, but that seed of doubt causes me sleepless nights. You are not alone. We are all here and we all understand. We love and are praying for you, my friend.

  8. CC, I think every parent of an addict read this shaking their heads in agreement - you just described most of our children. I was amazed when I first started reading blogs and thought "how do all these people know MY SON" but they were talking about their own kids, of course.

    I am so sorry. I wish I knew what to say. Jake's Mom made a good point about the horrific things some of these kids see (or do) in the drug world. I just wrote on my blog how my son may, or may not, be suffering from PTSD from some of the violent things he witnessed or - maybe was a part of. I can't bear to think about it. I really can't. When the drug takes over, we lose our children for awhile. They are not the same kids we raised. It was nothing we did or didn't do. If love could fix it - none of us would be here.

    Keep doing the next best thing for your son, whatever it may be. Don't give up hope.

  9. "If love could fix it - non of us would be here". Thanks Barb. I needed to hear that.

    Yes, I imagine the anger and rage comes in part from what they have been exposed to ; what they participated in; guilt; shame; and all those emotional pains buried deep inside, like a father who was never a father - just a good example of a drug addict.

  10. there is no rationale for what happens. it just is. what your son used to be will never be again. he is gone, irretrievably gone. even if/when he stops using, he will NOT ever be your child again, not the child you raised.

    forever more..he will be a recovering or using junkie. that is just what it is.

    and you didn't do anything wrong.

  11. My daughter is the same. Master manipulator of the highest order. It makes me crazy because even when she is not in active use the behaviours are all still there.
    Praying for you.