Monday, June 14, 2010

Looking for Daddy

Tears. They stream out of me. I cannot stop the flow.
I close my eyes and feel the ache

My baby boy, my man-son. He has his own ache. The ache for a daddy.

A hero, an idol, a big strong man to throw him in the air and safely catch him
A good man to show him how a good man lives
An honorable man to teach him, love his mom, and train him

Instead: a fantasy daddy. One he could only create in his mind because his real daddy was nowhere except a voice on a random phone call. No weekend visitations. No birthday celebrations. No Christmas holidays. No weekends of fun. No.

Because a “man” cannot be a daddy when he is in prison.
He cannot be a hero when he is a drug dealer and an addict
He cannot be an honorable man when he assaults men and women who make him angry
This man cannot be a daddy.

But young boys hope, dream, and believe in daddy’s even when they are MIA
In their minds, daddy is ready to welcome his boy home and show him a good time
Young boys are confused when mommy doesn’t let them see daddy. Why?

How can mommy ever answer in a language that little boys understand?
They can’t
They try. They try hard. They try to make up for a missing daddy.
But time eventually shows that mommies cannot be daddies.

My little guy, my man-son, went in search of his daddy. How I wish he never found him.
I don’t know if I will ever know of all the realities that shattered my baby’s dream-daddy
I just now guns were involved
Domestic violence
Drugs, using and selling
And a little boy, my little guy, led astray until he became lost.
And addicted.
So lost.

So off to rehab you go.
To learn that you have lost your way. That this life you are living is a lie
And to admit you are powerless

Daddy was not the one to follow. And now you have much work to do
To find yourself
To forgive yourself
To remake yourself
God will help you, but can you trust him? Can you trust a heavenly daddy when you only have scars to show from trusting an earthly one?

My baby, this daddy is different. Please believe me.

And when you find your way
Please come home, my little guy.
I will always be here
God, how I love you. I never knew how much I could love.
So much.
My arms stretched wide “this much”
Do you remember?


  1. This hits so very close to home. My heart breaks for your son. My son's father was not in prison, he was just down the street and didn't care enough to be involved. I don't know which is worse but they are both horrible. I'll keep praying for him.

  2. I'm so very sorry for your son. But my son had a full-time dad,who was his baseball and soccer coach, who played ping pong with him and threw the ball out on the lawn. And took him on vacation and did all the things you want a Dad to do...and my son still turned to drugs. I only share this because I sense that you blame yourself for choosing his Dad in the first place; but good or bad, present or non-existent, having a Dad doesn't guarantee they won't end up a heroin addict.

  3. Maybe you are right, Lisa. I have so much regret over marrying my ex-husband. Perhaps I am assuming some responsibility. i don't know. I just know my heart aches for the pain my son has had, even as a "man-son"

  4. I know how much it hurts. My children's father is in jail (for assault this time), is an addict, an alcoholic, a dealer, owes over $60000.00 in child support and neglects and ignores his children. I have spent years trying to make it up to them. I never can. My heart aches for the memories they will never have and the relationship they can never know.
    I am praying for peace and healing for all of us.

  5. Hi CC,

    Your post really hit home with me. I also had an absent, alcoholic father. Your post reminded me of "the blessings." I recently read a post on it. Here's the link:

    I wanted to welcome you to the blogosphere and thank you for stopping by my blog. I appreciated your comment. There's a great recovery community here where I've found a lot of support. I look forward to following you on your journey. Hugs.

  6. That's a beautiful post, Kathy. thank you.

  7. I Read this and cried! This hits me in the gut, my dad left me when he found out my mom was pregnant
    i met him a few times when i was 8 but after that he just stopped calling i don't have very many friends and at times me mom beats me I'm 14 now and my mom has been remarried for 3 years now and yet her husband does even like me i don't remember him never hugging me, or saying he loved me. I still sit im my room and cried and tried to kill myself but i never go though with it what has been done has been done im without a father i hope he's happy :/