Crying
My new favorite activity (if frequency is the measure)
It helps sometimes
It helped me today
Like a faithful friend
Willing to accompany me into the dark and gloomy places
Places where confusion, anger, and the deepest sadness dwell
She helps me let the sadness out, and out and out
Uncontrolled, unhindered, like a bag of beans spilling onto the floor
Tears spill down my cheeks, dripping and flowing onto the floor
For me
Friends
You discover who they are
Among the many who claim to be
The genuine ones show up when others avoid or don’t know the way
Holding, allowing, granting permission to unload
Soothing, accompanying me into the darkness
Listening, thoughtfully, empathetically, compassionately
A treasure
That is what they are
A treasure undiscovered until brutality forces itself upon you
The brutality of truth
Truth
Brutal, agonizing truth
Part of me would rather be left buried
Unbothered in the sand
Leave me alone
It is warm here
But worse than truth is living in a lie
Foolishly believing the wrong reality
Foolishly anticipating the wrong future
Foolish
So hit me
Hit me with it
I will stagger, I will reel, I will wail
I will give birth to anger I never knew existed
And one day I will get past the anger
Past the grieving
One day
Not today
Surely not tomorrow
But one day
I will find my smile again
One day
After Truth visits me
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You will find your smile again. I know how damn hard this is. We as parents don't deserve this. We have to find our happiness within ourselves, because our kids certainly don't contribute to it. I still cry often, but not for very long. My little granddaughter's first birthday is tomorrow, I have not even seen her once. My selfish, drug addicted daughter wants nothing to do with me, which is really a blessing for me. Hang in there, we are all pulling for you. Peace and hugs,
ReplyDeleteHelga
Thank you for this post. It applies to a big part of my life that actually has little to do with my son and his addiction. You write beautifully...crying, friends, truth. This is where I am right now as well.
ReplyDeleteI think that the smiles will come again. Take care and don't give up hope.
ReplyDeleteMy struggles with my child and my own addiction to alcohol is well known in my community as I choose not to keep it a secret. I am a passionate activist for parents dealing with an addicted child. I would be asked to speak at churches, school & business groups etc. However, each time my story would get to the part of my son I would have to stop as the tears and emotion would overwhelm me. As my recovery journey progressed I came to put my full trust and faith in God, I would pause just before I began my talk and ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me with His guidance and prayed for my words to reflect His will. God has never failed to give me strength and I trust his sovereignty. I pray for peace and understanding for all parents
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