You know what sucks?

Having your bosses daughter (who is the same age as my son) show up as an intern on the employee payroll
...I'm actually very happy for both of them. I have a tremendous respect for my former manager and I am glad his daughter is successful at this stage of life. It just hurts a bit because it's another reminder. I guess the trick is not dwelling on it.

Talking to your son and feeling like you're a million miles apart
...we talked this morning. It's all business. He needs more money (we are holding his savings while he's in rehab). Even though he's doing well, in a highly supervised program, I can't help but feel suspicious when he asks for money. I NEVER had this problem in the past because I always trusted him. Now I'm trying to navigate in the aftermath of lies, manipulation, and deceit. More learning is needed. God grant me the serenity...

Waking up in the morning feeling angry about nothing
...This week has been so strange. Feeling good one minute, angry the next, and general saddness whenever I'm alone with time to think. Most evenings I go to bed sad and wake up angry. I know I'm grieving. How I wish I could press the 'fast forward' button.

Struggling with my faith in spite a long and strong walk with God
...so I'm one of those that is not supposed to struggle. I've been a leader within my Christian community for almost 3 decades. I am currently "on leave" from being the leader of a intra-campus Bible study at work. My faith has survived an abusive husband, a painful divorce, being a single parent with sole financial responsibility of my son, a demanding job, a broken engagement, depression. Somehow, I have managed to hold onto my faith though all these things. I think deep down I understood how I played a part due to poor deicions I made. But this one is different. I suppose that I believe that if I did my part God would do his. Intellectually, I understand Daniel has a will of his own that God will not violate. Yet, somehow, I feel betrayed and let down. I believe I'll live through this valley of despair, but I sure am feeling disconnected from  God right now.

OK, it doesn't all suck. A few things are pretty cool:

• living in the northwest during a beautiful sunny day of 85 degrees
• enjoying time alone when hubby's away on a trip (I'm an "I" in Meyer's Briggs type inventory. As an introvert, I re-charge by spending time alone)
• being healthy enough to participate in a 50-mile bike ride (coming up in 2 weeks). It is good to have something to look forward to, and something to motivate me to workout (especially since I'm lacking in the motivation department these days).
• having a husband that really loves me (I finally got it right - picking a good man!)
• having a good job that supplies a regular pay check.

I am Learning

Yesterday was Father's Day. I entered the day oblivious to the fact that a sizable emotional trigger lay ahead.

We went to church. I assumed it would be 'safe' with the focus being towards the men. Wrong.

The curve ball came at me right at the beginning of the sermon (titled "Compassion of a Father") when Pastor Randy began by describing the fierce, intense love a mother has her her child as illustrated in Isaiah 49:

"The LORD has forsaken me,

the Lord has forgotten me."

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast

and have no compassion on the child she has borne?

Though she may forget,

I will not forget you!

(verses 14-15)

He continued to describe how a new mother's love is absolutely locked around her baby, that she would do anything, give anything, to ensure he was protected and had what he needed to survive and thrive.

There I was, sitting in the center of the second row in the largest church in our state listening to a perfect description of my heart towards my son. I could not hold back my tears and I wanted terribly to step quietly out of my seat, exit the sanctuary, and find a quiet corner where I could sob.

But with people seated on my left and my right; I was trapped in the second row; leaving inconspicuously was as impossible as leaving quietly.

So there I sat; and fought hard to keep back my tears. And then imagined what would happen if I could get out? I would have my crying-fest and then my day would be set on a course for sadness and emotional exhaustion (I know this routine). Is that the kind of day I wanted? On Father's Day?

This was my husband's day. He is an amazing father to his two adult-children and a more-than-I-could-ever-ask-for-amazing-stepfather to my Daniel. We did not have big plans for the day, but I did not want to ruin it.

I think this was the first time that I could look beyond my emotions and decide that, while I could not fully control them, I would not be ruled by them. Church ended and I forced myself to talk about something else.  We shopped for some cycling gear and then I prepared an authentic Chinese dinner, which Michael gobbled up! The evening went so well.

I think I am learning. My life does not have to be ruled by my grief. There is a time to cry and there is a time to cease from crying. There is a time to shop, cook, eat, and a time to celebrate! Lord, thank you for leading me one step closer to serenity. And thank you for a man that can be a good father for my son.

-Carolyn