Stuck in the Blame Game

Many many thanks to all of you for sharing your insights with me on how to overcome the guilt and blame mind-game. Clearly, I've got some learning to do, and I have a good topic for my next counseling appointment. I'm attending Al-Anon and hopefully, some of that wisdom will start sinking in too. I don't know why this is so hard. My mind understands what everyone tells me but deep inside me I am low, still grieving, and finding my confidence as a mother under severe attack. I have always been confident in myself and in my parenting. I probably just need to learn a new way of mothering. New techniques for a new season.

Here is what I hope to remember (from what you all told me):

• Ask myself if any of the "stupid" things I had done in my life could be blamed on my own mother. The answer is "No" (thanks "Mom trying to Detach with Love")
• "If outcomes were dependent on Dad and Mom we would all have Einstein's...learn all you can handle about this disease. You do whatever you believe is right for yourself and your son. Every single day you cheer the successes and mourn the defeats. You never give up hope for yourself or your child."  (thanks, Ron)
• "I wasn't a perfect mom, but I was a good one. I was there, I was affectionate, I loved and adored each of my kids, I did the absolute very best that I knew how to do. " (thanks Annette)
• "You are a wonderful mother who loves her son with all her heart. Please don't blame yourself, it was nothing you did or didn't do - I promise! " (thanks Barbara)
• "You can blame yourself for enabling, for not seeing the signs or ignoring them, for focusing on his addiction and not your own recovery. You can blame yourself for not understanding enough, caring too much, loving without action, detaching without conviction. But NEVER for the addiction."  (thanks Jan)
• "...blaming keeps me stuck in a bad place and it isn't helpful to anyone. The past is over, it can't be redone. What I find most helpful is to concentrate on this day and what I can do to live it well." (thanks Syd) 

Insight Please!

To those of you who have some insight on the subject of blaming yourself for your child's addiction, would you share it with me?

A brief conversation with my son's counselor today, which included the comment, "Carolyn, it sounds like you're blaming yourself" sent me off to my lunch hour with the primary aim of regaining my composure so I could return to work for the afternoon.  What I really feel like doing is going home to cry, because he is right. Somehow, I feel responsible.

When people see 'successful' children, don't they often say, "they came from a good family"?

Don't we congratulate parents when their children graduate from college "Good job, Mom & Dad!"?

We are very quick to credit parents when children are doing well. I know, I received lots of kudos as I was raising Daniel.

Intellectually, I understand that Daniel made his choices, but emotionally, I am struggling with feeling like I must have done something wrong.

I could use a little help, here.