How do I...

"You can't control his drug use"
"You need to detach from him"
"If he is bent on going to prison, you cannot stop him"
"You have to take care of yourself"
"You have to learn to emotionally detach and not take the responsibility"
"You have to let go of the guilt"

How the hell am I supposed to do that????????

How do I not care if he goes to prison?
How do I not care if he continues to use?
How do I not care if he continues to deal?
How do I not care if he maintains connections?

How do I get rid of the sinking feeling in my gut?

This is my one and only son.

Looking for Daddy

Tears. They stream out of me. I cannot stop the flow.
I close my eyes and feel the ache

My baby boy, my man-son. He has his own ache. The ache for a daddy.

A hero, an idol, a big strong man to throw him in the air and safely catch him
A good man to show him how a good man lives
An honorable man to teach him, love his mom, and train him

Instead: a fantasy daddy. One he could only create in his mind because his real daddy was nowhere except a voice on a random phone call. No weekend visitations. No birthday celebrations. No Christmas holidays. No weekends of fun. No.

Because a “man” cannot be a daddy when he is in prison.
He cannot be a hero when he is a drug dealer and an addict
He cannot be an honorable man when he assaults men and women who make him angry
This man cannot be a daddy.

But young boys hope, dream, and believe in daddy’s even when they are MIA
In their minds, daddy is ready to welcome his boy home and show him a good time
Young boys are confused when mommy doesn’t let them see daddy. Why?

How can mommy ever answer in a language that little boys understand?
They can’t
They try. They try hard. They try to make up for a missing daddy.
But time eventually shows that mommies cannot be daddies.

My little guy, my man-son, went in search of his daddy. How I wish he never found him.
I don’t know if I will ever know of all the realities that shattered my baby’s dream-daddy
I just now guns were involved
Domestic violence
Drugs, using and selling
And a little boy, my little guy, led astray until he became lost.
And addicted.
So lost.

So off to rehab you go.
To learn that you have lost your way. That this life you are living is a lie
And to admit you are powerless

Daddy was not the one to follow. And now you have much work to do
To find yourself
To forgive yourself
To remake yourself
God will help you, but can you trust him? Can you trust a heavenly daddy when you only have scars to show from trusting an earthly one?

My baby, this daddy is different. Please believe me.

And when you find your way
Please come home, my little guy.
I will always be here
God, how I love you. I never knew how much I could love.
So much.
My arms stretched wide “this much”
Do you remember?