Where do I go from here?

OK, I think I've climbed out of my dark hole after the ruthless encounter with the truth ("Fish bowl" letter-reading event at my son's rehab). I feel better for knowing more of the truth, for removing all lingering thoughts of denial, and for concluding I now need to take care of myself.

I have had only one phone conversation with Daniel. It was brief and I delivered the message that I'm working through my hurt and anger and need some time. I told him that while I may be distant now, I plan to re-engage with him in a healthier way in the future.

But what does that really mean? Some days I want to call him just to say "Hi". But then I'm not sure what else to say to him. How are you doing? How is rehab going? I'm not sure he will tell me the truth so how do I know what to ask? I don't want to cut him off, but I also don't know how to build this relationship either. I don't know what kind of relationship is possible given the lying, manipulation, deception, etc. He's clean and sober now, working recovery, but...?

For now, I'm taking it a day at a time. I've tried calling a couple times but with no success (he is kept very busy). I still don't feel like visiting but I think that will change in another week or two. Guess I'm feeling a little lost. I don't want to abandon him, but I don't know how to engage with him either.

Coming up for air

I survived another valley of grief
not that I won't be visiting again,
but, for this most recent episode, I think I hit my bottom and am coming back up for air.

Whew, that dose of truth from the Friday family 'fish bowl' sure caused me to buckle.
One benefit is I think it annihilated any remaining denial and led me to a crystal clear conclusion: it is time to get on with my life.
Maybe that is why after 8 weeks of looking into our guest bedroom (where my son was staying)
I finally had the courage today to enter it and clean up.
Yeah, I think it enabled me to face that room without any fear.

Packing his things...since he won't be returning here after rehab
(nope, it will be a sober living community for you, my Danny-boy)
Checking pockets and any potential stash places.
all I found was Viagra.
Why does a 24-year old need Viagra?
Never mind, I don't really want an answer.
It went into the garbage along with a few other items.
Washing the bedding, packing his clothes, and doing a thorough vacuuming
will make my organized-self feel good.

Thanks for the encouragement you all delivered to my blog in the past few days.
Besides a big box of kleenex during those dark times,
I really need to know someone understands.
I regret that these gut-wrenching experiences are the thing that brings us together
And yet, I must say, it is a gift.

now, about that vacuuming...

Used, Abused, Exhausted

I am exhausted.
The ruthless truth slapped me in the face once again.
This time, it was a series of blows that left me wondering if I have any reason to hope.

My son read a letter to Michael and me at a "fish bowl" family activity within a group-therapy setting at his extended rehab clinic. For him, it was a chance to come clean and own up to everything he has done to manipulate, lie, steal in support of his habit (summary: history of his use, how he used and abused us to fund his habit and keep us thinking that all was well so we would continue supporting him). For us, it was a brutal session of discovering that Daniel has traveled deeper into the darkness of addiction that we ever realized..

When he was done, I was so angry. He stood up and wrapped his arms around to hug me (thinking I would surely appreciate that he has finally been honest). It was all I could do to not push him away from me. I believe the only reason I didn't is that we were in the company of others and I didn't want to humiliate him. The last thing I wanted was a hug from the one who just admitted to deceiving me over the past 10 years (not 5 as I had been previously led to believe). It was the last thing I wanted to receive and the last thing I wanted to give. I just stood there, awkardly, as the attempt at affection traveled only one way.

Ten years of use and abuse (6 years under my roof) and I did not see it. Apparently, my home was also a marketplace, as users knocked on our front door during the hours I was at work, my son proudly supplying the neighborhood and his classmates with all kinds of pills and pot hidden secretly in our garage.

And I was enlighted as to the real nature of this "methadone detox". He had led us to believe that for the past two years, he was detoxing off methadone and working a recovery program. The facts: as the methadone got uncomfortably low, he started injecting it, buying additional supply off the street, and supplementing it with benzos. There we were, cheering him on and celebrating his progress, all the while he is living a lie.

Additional confessions of stealing money and prescription meds from our home, robbing others, extensive dealing, exerting violence that landed his dealer in the hospital, and dodging drug enforcement officers.

I walked away with two conclusions:

1. My son is most certainly a drug addict, and any remaining denial has been put to death.
2. I need to start focusing on myself and get my life back.

My life has been consumed with Daniel. I cannot even get out of bed in the morning without him being the only thing on my mind and in my prayers. I worry about him day and night. Well, the truth is, I really don't know if he is going to make it (to sobriety, that is). But my life has become hopelessly obsessed with this young man that has only used and abused me. It is time I start taking care of myself.

God, help me.