"Ten Months Yesterday"

"Ten mo yesterday!" was the text I received from Dan just a few days ago. I cannot help but recall the hell I was living in this month last year. What a stark contrast. My son is returning to me. Slowly but surely, his 'old self' is coming back. His ability to have TONS of friends, his sense of humor, his willingness to help with the dishes.

I'm still waiting for other things to return. Not sure if they will. Maybe it just takes awhile. Waiting for him to want to grow up faster, to get focused on college or a career. Do you think I'm dreaming? He talks about it. I don't know yet if it's just talk. At least a few steps in the right direction: FASFA app submitted. Pell Grant confirmed as being available. Registered for the Fall. Will he be ready for the commitment? Will the stress be manageable? "One day at a time" - yes, I remember.

While I still worry and have my doubts and fears for the future, I have so much to be thankful for. He is clean. He is in sober housing. He is supporting other friends in recovery - even getting some into recovery. My salesman, now a recovery evangelist. Praise the Lord. My God, guide him.

I hope my online friends are finding ways to live One Day At A Time. I don't visit here as often as when I was in full-blown crisis, but I enjoy returning to do some catch-up reading and post an occasional thought.

Blessings to you all.

After Truth Visits Me

Crying
My new favorite activity (if frequency is the measure)
It helps sometimes
It helped me today
Like a faithful friend
Willing to accompany me into the dark and gloomy places
Places where confusion, anger, and the deepest sadness dwell
She helps me let the sadness out, and out and out
Uncontrolled, unhindered, like a bag of beans spilling onto the floor
Tears spill down my cheeks, dripping and flowing onto the floor
For me

Friends
You discover who they are
Among the many who claim to be
The genuine ones show up when others avoid or don’t know the way
Holding, allowing, granting permission to unload
Soothing, accompanying me into the darkness
Listening, thoughtfully, empathetically, compassionately
A treasure
That is what they are
A treasure undiscovered until brutality forces itself upon you
The brutality of truth

Truth
Brutal, agonizing truth
Part of me would rather be left buried
Unbothered in the sand
Leave me alone
It is warm here
But worse than truth is living in a lie
Foolishly believing the wrong reality
Foolishly anticipating the wrong future
Foolish
So hit me
Hit me with it
I will stagger, I will reel, I will wail
I will give birth to anger I never knew existed
And one day I will get past the anger
Past the grieving
One day
Not today
Surely not tomorrow
But one day
I will find my smile again
One day
After Truth visits me