Taking responsibility...And yet...

The first act Daniel took after rehab was to turn himself into the sherrif's office for not completing diversion training for a DUI 3 years ago. Upon hearing that he's 4 months sober, has a sponsor and is living in an Oxford house, the judge let him go without bail and simply said to show up to court 3 weeks later.

3 weeks ended this Wednesday and Daniel faithfully appeared in court in his Sunday-best looking better than ever. His 3 buddies (all graduages from the same program) tagged along for moral support. Daniel was sentenced to 48 hours in jail, 2 yrs parole, and some fines, of course. He was disappointed, but the judge explained that had he resolved it within the year, he would not have been sentenced as such. But it had been over 3 yrs, so that was that.

Driving him home (48 hrs later), I heard all about how terrible jail is and of all the rules included in his parole. Rules like not setting foot in a bar, not leaving the state without permission, being subject to random drug screens, etc. After getting an earful, I asked, "Do you think any of this will help you?" To my surprise, he said, "Absolutely, I need all the accountability I can get." And he went on to say how it will be easier to tell others that he cannot go to a bar/club due to parole rather than to divulge that he's an addict. I immediately understood that there are just some people that don't need to know. I've got my own list of them.

So off we went to IOP (intensive out-patient) where I joined him for a family session. Sigh.

Yes, it's great to be in this place of recovery. I never imagined we could have come so far in 5 months. I am quick to share with my close friends the good things that are happening. And yet, deep down, I wonder if it will last. And I am deeply grieved the my son's social group consists exclusively of recovering drug addicts and alcoholics. How I wish he was shooting the breeze with college classmates. I wonder why he is so quick to identify with the criminals he met in jail. He seems fascinated with their stories; I can only take so much of them.. They are so far removed from the life we had together, it confuses me.  Outwardly, I am upbeat and positive. Inwardly, I am still so disappointed, grieved, and sad. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe I'm in some sort of denial and not wanting to face the ugly reality that my son is still an addict and will struggle with that his entire life. I'm tired trying to figure it out. Good night, everyone.

You know what sucks?

Having your bosses daughter (who is the same age as my son) show up as an intern on the employee payroll
...I'm actually very happy for both of them. I have a tremendous respect for my former manager and I am glad his daughter is successful at this stage of life. It just hurts a bit because it's another reminder. I guess the trick is not dwelling on it.

Talking to your son and feeling like you're a million miles apart
...we talked this morning. It's all business. He needs more money (we are holding his savings while he's in rehab). Even though he's doing well, in a highly supervised program, I can't help but feel suspicious when he asks for money. I NEVER had this problem in the past because I always trusted him. Now I'm trying to navigate in the aftermath of lies, manipulation, and deceit. More learning is needed. God grant me the serenity...

Waking up in the morning feeling angry about nothing
...This week has been so strange. Feeling good one minute, angry the next, and general saddness whenever I'm alone with time to think. Most evenings I go to bed sad and wake up angry. I know I'm grieving. How I wish I could press the 'fast forward' button.

Struggling with my faith in spite a long and strong walk with God
...so I'm one of those that is not supposed to struggle. I've been a leader within my Christian community for almost 3 decades. I am currently "on leave" from being the leader of a intra-campus Bible study at work. My faith has survived an abusive husband, a painful divorce, being a single parent with sole financial responsibility of my son, a demanding job, a broken engagement, depression. Somehow, I have managed to hold onto my faith though all these things. I think deep down I understood how I played a part due to poor deicions I made. But this one is different. I suppose that I believe that if I did my part God would do his. Intellectually, I understand Daniel has a will of his own that God will not violate. Yet, somehow, I feel betrayed and let down. I believe I'll live through this valley of despair, but I sure am feeling disconnected from  God right now.

OK, it doesn't all suck. A few things are pretty cool:

• living in the northwest during a beautiful sunny day of 85 degrees
• enjoying time alone when hubby's away on a trip (I'm an "I" in Meyer's Briggs type inventory. As an introvert, I re-charge by spending time alone)
• being healthy enough to participate in a 50-mile bike ride (coming up in 2 weeks). It is good to have something to look forward to, and something to motivate me to workout (especially since I'm lacking in the motivation department these days).
• having a husband that really loves me (I finally got it right - picking a good man!)
• having a good job that supplies a regular pay check.

Coming up for air

I survived another valley of grief
not that I won't be visiting again,
but, for this most recent episode, I think I hit my bottom and am coming back up for air.

Whew, that dose of truth from the Friday family 'fish bowl' sure caused me to buckle.
One benefit is I think it annihilated any remaining denial and led me to a crystal clear conclusion: it is time to get on with my life.
Maybe that is why after 8 weeks of looking into our guest bedroom (where my son was staying)
I finally had the courage today to enter it and clean up.
Yeah, I think it enabled me to face that room without any fear.

Packing his things...since he won't be returning here after rehab
(nope, it will be a sober living community for you, my Danny-boy)
Checking pockets and any potential stash places.
all I found was Viagra.
Why does a 24-year old need Viagra?
Never mind, I don't really want an answer.
It went into the garbage along with a few other items.
Washing the bedding, packing his clothes, and doing a thorough vacuuming
will make my organized-self feel good.

Thanks for the encouragement you all delivered to my blog in the past few days.
Besides a big box of kleenex during those dark times,
I really need to know someone understands.
I regret that these gut-wrenching experiences are the thing that brings us together
And yet, I must say, it is a gift.

now, about that vacuuming...