I did it, Mom!

I picked up Daniel from rehab today.
He gave me a big hug saying "I did it, Mom" and cried.
We both did.

So begins a new chapter...for  both of us.

If anyone is looking for a fantastic but very intensive program that is designed for the addict that keeps relapsing, I suggest you consider the ExSL program at Serenity Lane in Eugene Oregon. For the person that has hit their bottom, this program yields amazing results. The amazing thing is that there is a fantastic recovery community in the town. Alumni continue their involvement with current patients and provide support and a bridge to the community after the program is over.  Daniel has developed relationships with ExSL alum who have months and years of sobriety. The counseling team is dedicated and highly-skilled. Though a great deal of therapy occurs among the patients themselves. http://www.serenitylane.org/exsl.html

I realize there are no guarentees in this journey and I may sound overly optomistic. I'm not, actually. But if you saw the before and after picture of my son, you would understand that miracles happen here.

That's all for now. Praise the Lord for new beginnings.

A New Season Begins

Tomorrow, my beloved son completes his 4-month stay in a wonderful rehab program. While we are very impressed with the team that surrounded him, amazed with the changes we have observed, and hopeful with the incredible recovery community he has discovered, I have also learned that his sobriety rests squarely on his shoulders. Hmmm, he has not managed it very well for the past years. Will these new tools he has gained be sufficient to guide him? Will he continue to have the drive and will to do whatever it takes? Will he be humble enough to remain accountable to his sponsor and new friends? Will he secure and be able to keep a job? Will we begin getting crisis phone calls again?
I am working hard at not future-tripping. So easy to do.
It helped that I attended an Al-Anon meeting tonight.
Here is what I heard:

• Focus on my life: what can I do to make it a good day?
• Decide now what I will do if my fears are realized (relapse)
• Determine to do nothing (and give him the dignity of growing up)

The next days and weeks will be a major adjustment for both of us. He will be working to get on his feet, find a job, structure his day, follow through on his out-patient treatment. He will move into a clean-and-sober house with about 6 other young men, most of whom, have completed the same program he did. I am relieved he has a safe place to go because our home is not an option.
 
I will be working on not obsessing about the possible failures, taking care of myself, being patient, trying to sleep without worry.
That's all.
It will be a good day. A turning point. A new beginning. Please God, guide us all.

Coming up for air

I survived another valley of grief
not that I won't be visiting again,
but, for this most recent episode, I think I hit my bottom and am coming back up for air.

Whew, that dose of truth from the Friday family 'fish bowl' sure caused me to buckle.
One benefit is I think it annihilated any remaining denial and led me to a crystal clear conclusion: it is time to get on with my life.
Maybe that is why after 8 weeks of looking into our guest bedroom (where my son was staying)
I finally had the courage today to enter it and clean up.
Yeah, I think it enabled me to face that room without any fear.

Packing his things...since he won't be returning here after rehab
(nope, it will be a sober living community for you, my Danny-boy)
Checking pockets and any potential stash places.
all I found was Viagra.
Why does a 24-year old need Viagra?
Never mind, I don't really want an answer.
It went into the garbage along with a few other items.
Washing the bedding, packing his clothes, and doing a thorough vacuuming
will make my organized-self feel good.

Thanks for the encouragement you all delivered to my blog in the past few days.
Besides a big box of kleenex during those dark times,
I really need to know someone understands.
I regret that these gut-wrenching experiences are the thing that brings us together
And yet, I must say, it is a gift.

now, about that vacuuming...

Relationships in Recovery

(I decided to remove the letter to Daniel I had initially included in this post. I decided that I wanted to keep its contents just among our family.)

I want to acknowledge that I have an incredible, incredible, husband. When we married, neither of us knew of Daniel's addiction. And yet, he has come alongside me and walked with me. I am not dragging him to family weekends, Al-Anon, or counseling appointments. He earnestly desires to support me, and learn how to help Daniel. His committmend to both of us was demonstrated once again on this "Family weekend" as he also wrote a letter to Daniel. It was heartfelt. It was brutally honest. It challenged Daniel, communicated committment, and hope. I love you, Michael. You are a priceless gift to me and to Daniel. You are amazing. You are the best husband I could hope for.

Many tears were shed today. I believe they were healing tears and hopefully the beginning of relationships in recovery.

Not Sure I'm Ready for This

This is Day 2 of our second "Family Weekend" at my son's rehab. It is going to be an emotional one, as we will exchange letters (read aloud to one another) in front of a group; focus is on how his addiction has affected our relationship, what I want him to do, dont want him to do, and what I will do to support his recovery. Just writing it I cried. I don't know how I will ever get thru reading it aloud. But I'm sure I will. I'm glad to do it actually because it allows me to say some important things.

Yesterday (day 1) went well. After hearing from other families and how their son/daughter cannot wait to get out of rehab and are pressuring everyone to let them out early - Michael and I were so grateful that Daniel is a strong contrast. While he will readily admit to not wanting to be there, he is fully ready to move onto the next extended-stay program and do whatever it takes. His 'preview' of the new program was rigorous and intense (as it is designed to be),. His evaluation was "They said everything I said is bullshit....they were right. This will be so hard. I know it will be good".

We are so thankful for his willingness at this critical stage. For the first time, we think we may be seeing the fruit of leaving him so long in Virginia (2 years) to face his own consequences of his decisions and to demonstrate to us that he is serious about working a recovery program (he worked with a counselor and reduced his methadone dose from 125 to 25 mg/day), attended meetings, etc.. It was far from a perfect demonstration, but with the help of some insightful counselors, we could see he demonstrated a genuine desire to recover.

Time is short, gotta go. Thanks for reading.

Learning to Live

After 1.5 weeks in rehab, Daniel is doing as expected. Maybe better.

A couple days ago he called from the clinic and declaired "I think I know what my problem is", to which I replied "Really?"

He went on to say that he realizes that he thought he could control his use of drugs (as he did in the beginning) but now he knows he cannot. And he realizes that while he has made other attempts to get sober, he has never worked a 12-step program. I asked "Are you ready now?", to which he replied, "Yes - my way doesn't work."

I hope he means it. I think, for today, he does. So I am cautiously encouraged. But I am learning that his words are not always trustworthy - not that I don't believe he is sincere - but that beating this addiction is going to take more than words. But I am happy that he is starting to recognize his powerlessness and considers the 12-step progam the path he needs to take. This is progress.

Meanwhile, Michael and I are learning to live our lives. Tomorrow we are going cycling on our new road bikes. In preparation for an upcoming 60-mile ride, we're going to cycle around Hagg Lake; a mere 10-miles, but some good rolling hills on which we will test our legs (and endurance).  Forecast is low-70s so it should be a fun and beautiful day. I'm finding more and more that physical exertion is highly theraputic for this mom who is otherwise, still too preoccupied with her beautiful boy.