OK, I think I've climbed out of my dark hole after the ruthless encounter with the truth ("Fish bowl" letter-reading event at my son's rehab). I feel better for knowing more of the truth, for removing all lingering thoughts of denial, and for concluding I now need to take care of myself.
I have had only one phone conversation with Daniel. It was brief and I delivered the message that I'm working through my hurt and anger and need some time. I told him that while I may be distant now, I plan to re-engage with him in a healthier way in the future.
But what does that really mean? Some days I want to call him just to say "Hi". But then I'm not sure what else to say to him. How are you doing? How is rehab going? I'm not sure he will tell me the truth so how do I know what to ask? I don't want to cut him off, but I also don't know how to build this relationship either. I don't know what kind of relationship is possible given the lying, manipulation, deception, etc. He's clean and sober now, working recovery, but...?
For now, I'm taking it a day at a time. I've tried calling a couple times but with no success (he is kept very busy). I still don't feel like visiting but I think that will change in another week or two. Guess I'm feeling a little lost. I don't want to abandon him, but I don't know how to engage with him either.
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Maybe it is time for him to do what it takes to keep the relationship going. To nurture some healing with you. Its not all your job to sustain this relationship with your son. It is a give and take from the each of you. I think you have done your part. Now let him do his.
ReplyDeleteI have experienced similar situations and I always turn to Ephesians 6:10-18 during those times.
ReplyDeleteMy son was not ready for a relationship with his family during rehab. I think he couldn't even define the word. We were told to be very patient and allow "him" to define his expectations about re-establishing a relationship. We learned that by us encourageing him with the love of his family and the hope that we had was all we could do. The rest was up to him and God.
In prayer for you and your child.
I agree. Rehab, if one is serious, is very hard work, and emotionally exhausting. Letting him have time to work through it, and letting him set the pace for re-establishing a relationship might be very helpful.
ReplyDeleteStill praying! Hugs!
Maybe this time apart is a good thing. Learning to have a relationship is one of the things that has been awesome in Al-Anon. I don't think that I ever knew how.
ReplyDeleteAs a recovering drug addict with 8 1/2 years clean from opiate addication, i can tell you that you don't have to say anything. Just by showing up will demonstrate your love. And taking care of yourself by going to Al-Anon and maintaining healthy boundaries (not letting him live w you when he gets out). Sometimes a card or letter from my mom that described what she was making for dinner that night or that the cat threw up on the carpet and my brother won his basketball game was enough to say: "i love you but i dont know what to say." (i kept the cards, btw) gods blessings!
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