Another mother loses her beautiful boy

"Call me" lit up my iPhone display yesterday.
A text message from my son.
It took me 30 minutes to break away from my time-sensitive urgent tasks and make the call.
He answered his phone and in tears blurted out, "Corey's dead".

Corey was my son's good friend who he met in rehab.
They became house-mates in an extended recovery program and a friendship developed.
I met him when my son brought a few of his 'new' friends home for dinner.
Corey was the one that stood out.
Handsome. Gregarious. Polite. Appreciative of the home-made meal. And oh, how he made us laugh. We were all doubled over in laughter at his stories.
Surely, this young man has a future ahead of him, I thought.

Our young friend (early 30s) had 18 months sobriety until yesterday when he overdosed.
Heroin, I'm sure. Details are still unknown.
Does it matter?
I can't sleep as I am overcome with saddness for the loss
and for the stabbing ache that must be devastating his mother.
I don't know her well, though we shared a few rides to Alanon many months ago.
Our schedules didn't always match. Then I stopped seeing her. I don't know if she is attending somewhere else.
Now I know why in the last couple weeks I have felt prompted to call her; "Hi S, would you like to attend a meeting with me tonight?"
I never called.
But now I will.
What I will say, I have no idea. I just have a longing to put my arms around her.
I want to bring her a lemon cheesecake.
One like I made for Corey when he celebrated his one year 'birthday'.
I had never seen such gratitude from anyone. He LOVED lemon cheesecake.

Oh, my God, please help this devastated family.
Please wrap your arms around this mama. Yours are bigger than mine.
Please help my son, and all of Corey's friends to comfort one another.
Please help me reach out to this mom in a meaningful way.

My day is calling so I must go.
Please pray for my mom-friend. She will need all the support she can get.

"Ten Months Yesterday"

"Ten mo yesterday!" was the text I received from Dan just a few days ago. I cannot help but recall the hell I was living in this month last year. What a stark contrast. My son is returning to me. Slowly but surely, his 'old self' is coming back. His ability to have TONS of friends, his sense of humor, his willingness to help with the dishes.

I'm still waiting for other things to return. Not sure if they will. Maybe it just takes awhile. Waiting for him to want to grow up faster, to get focused on college or a career. Do you think I'm dreaming? He talks about it. I don't know yet if it's just talk. At least a few steps in the right direction: FASFA app submitted. Pell Grant confirmed as being available. Registered for the Fall. Will he be ready for the commitment? Will the stress be manageable? "One day at a time" - yes, I remember.

While I still worry and have my doubts and fears for the future, I have so much to be thankful for. He is clean. He is in sober housing. He is supporting other friends in recovery - even getting some into recovery. My salesman, now a recovery evangelist. Praise the Lord. My God, guide him.

I hope my online friends are finding ways to live One Day At A Time. I don't visit here as often as when I was in full-blown crisis, but I enjoy returning to do some catch-up reading and post an occasional thought.

Blessings to you all.

Taking responsibility...And yet...

The first act Daniel took after rehab was to turn himself into the sherrif's office for not completing diversion training for a DUI 3 years ago. Upon hearing that he's 4 months sober, has a sponsor and is living in an Oxford house, the judge let him go without bail and simply said to show up to court 3 weeks later.

3 weeks ended this Wednesday and Daniel faithfully appeared in court in his Sunday-best looking better than ever. His 3 buddies (all graduages from the same program) tagged along for moral support. Daniel was sentenced to 48 hours in jail, 2 yrs parole, and some fines, of course. He was disappointed, but the judge explained that had he resolved it within the year, he would not have been sentenced as such. But it had been over 3 yrs, so that was that.

Driving him home (48 hrs later), I heard all about how terrible jail is and of all the rules included in his parole. Rules like not setting foot in a bar, not leaving the state without permission, being subject to random drug screens, etc. After getting an earful, I asked, "Do you think any of this will help you?" To my surprise, he said, "Absolutely, I need all the accountability I can get." And he went on to say how it will be easier to tell others that he cannot go to a bar/club due to parole rather than to divulge that he's an addict. I immediately understood that there are just some people that don't need to know. I've got my own list of them.

So off we went to IOP (intensive out-patient) where I joined him for a family session. Sigh.

Yes, it's great to be in this place of recovery. I never imagined we could have come so far in 5 months. I am quick to share with my close friends the good things that are happening. And yet, deep down, I wonder if it will last. And I am deeply grieved the my son's social group consists exclusively of recovering drug addicts and alcoholics. How I wish he was shooting the breeze with college classmates. I wonder why he is so quick to identify with the criminals he met in jail. He seems fascinated with their stories; I can only take so much of them.. They are so far removed from the life we had together, it confuses me.  Outwardly, I am upbeat and positive. Inwardly, I am still so disappointed, grieved, and sad. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe I'm in some sort of denial and not wanting to face the ugly reality that my son is still an addict and will struggle with that his entire life. I'm tired trying to figure it out. Good night, everyone.

Checking in

It has been 3 weeks since my son left rehab. He has transitioned to a sober living community and is attending AA almost daily and an intensive outpatient program 3 nights a week. He is checking in with me and even brought 3 of his new buddies home for dinner last night. It was a great evening, talking openly about their recovery experience, the nicknames they've given each other, and the funny things their counselor said during treatment. I learned that I, together with two other mothers (whose sons were eating with us) have been dubbed "The Tender Trio". How funny is that? More so, it is beautiful that they have learned to see with more compassionate eyes what they have put their family through. When they left, I closed the door behind me and the first thought in my mind was, "So THIS is what it's supposed to be like!"

You see, in the past, Daniel didn't really want to socialize with me and rarely brought friends home. If we had dinner together, the conversation was shallow and just long enough till he was done with his dinner. How refreshing it was to have him back for an evening. And I actually liked his friends. Sweet boys. Young. Vulnerable. But sweet. God, I pray they make it.

Today Dan reported to the courthouse for not completing diversion training (DUI a few years ago). His 'rehab' success story helped, but he still has to spend 48 hours in jail and be on probation a couple years. After receiving this news by phone from one of his friends that went to court with him, I hung up and told myself "I'm going to live my life" and continued with my plan to shop over my lunch hour.

We have both made progress. We are both in recovery. We are both learning to live our lives differently. I am learning that I need to live my own life, regardless of the good/bad that happens in his. He is learning that being honest and responsible means facing the consequences. Good lessons. Hard lessons.

And how are all of you? I'll have to go browse your blogs...

I did it, Mom!

I picked up Daniel from rehab today.
He gave me a big hug saying "I did it, Mom" and cried.
We both did.

So begins a new chapter...for  both of us.

If anyone is looking for a fantastic but very intensive program that is designed for the addict that keeps relapsing, I suggest you consider the ExSL program at Serenity Lane in Eugene Oregon. For the person that has hit their bottom, this program yields amazing results. The amazing thing is that there is a fantastic recovery community in the town. Alumni continue their involvement with current patients and provide support and a bridge to the community after the program is over.  Daniel has developed relationships with ExSL alum who have months and years of sobriety. The counseling team is dedicated and highly-skilled. Though a great deal of therapy occurs among the patients themselves. http://www.serenitylane.org/exsl.html

I realize there are no guarentees in this journey and I may sound overly optomistic. I'm not, actually. But if you saw the before and after picture of my son, you would understand that miracles happen here.

That's all for now. Praise the Lord for new beginnings.

A New Season Begins

Tomorrow, my beloved son completes his 4-month stay in a wonderful rehab program. While we are very impressed with the team that surrounded him, amazed with the changes we have observed, and hopeful with the incredible recovery community he has discovered, I have also learned that his sobriety rests squarely on his shoulders. Hmmm, he has not managed it very well for the past years. Will these new tools he has gained be sufficient to guide him? Will he continue to have the drive and will to do whatever it takes? Will he be humble enough to remain accountable to his sponsor and new friends? Will he secure and be able to keep a job? Will we begin getting crisis phone calls again?
I am working hard at not future-tripping. So easy to do.
It helped that I attended an Al-Anon meeting tonight.
Here is what I heard:

• Focus on my life: what can I do to make it a good day?
• Decide now what I will do if my fears are realized (relapse)
• Determine to do nothing (and give him the dignity of growing up)

The next days and weeks will be a major adjustment for both of us. He will be working to get on his feet, find a job, structure his day, follow through on his out-patient treatment. He will move into a clean-and-sober house with about 6 other young men, most of whom, have completed the same program he did. I am relieved he has a safe place to go because our home is not an option.
 
I will be working on not obsessing about the possible failures, taking care of myself, being patient, trying to sleep without worry.
That's all.
It will be a good day. A turning point. A new beginning. Please God, guide us all.

You know what sucks?

Having your bosses daughter (who is the same age as my son) show up as an intern on the employee payroll
...I'm actually very happy for both of them. I have a tremendous respect for my former manager and I am glad his daughter is successful at this stage of life. It just hurts a bit because it's another reminder. I guess the trick is not dwelling on it.

Talking to your son and feeling like you're a million miles apart
...we talked this morning. It's all business. He needs more money (we are holding his savings while he's in rehab). Even though he's doing well, in a highly supervised program, I can't help but feel suspicious when he asks for money. I NEVER had this problem in the past because I always trusted him. Now I'm trying to navigate in the aftermath of lies, manipulation, and deceit. More learning is needed. God grant me the serenity...

Waking up in the morning feeling angry about nothing
...This week has been so strange. Feeling good one minute, angry the next, and general saddness whenever I'm alone with time to think. Most evenings I go to bed sad and wake up angry. I know I'm grieving. How I wish I could press the 'fast forward' button.

Struggling with my faith in spite a long and strong walk with God
...so I'm one of those that is not supposed to struggle. I've been a leader within my Christian community for almost 3 decades. I am currently "on leave" from being the leader of a intra-campus Bible study at work. My faith has survived an abusive husband, a painful divorce, being a single parent with sole financial responsibility of my son, a demanding job, a broken engagement, depression. Somehow, I have managed to hold onto my faith though all these things. I think deep down I understood how I played a part due to poor deicions I made. But this one is different. I suppose that I believe that if I did my part God would do his. Intellectually, I understand Daniel has a will of his own that God will not violate. Yet, somehow, I feel betrayed and let down. I believe I'll live through this valley of despair, but I sure am feeling disconnected from  God right now.

OK, it doesn't all suck. A few things are pretty cool:

• living in the northwest during a beautiful sunny day of 85 degrees
• enjoying time alone when hubby's away on a trip (I'm an "I" in Meyer's Briggs type inventory. As an introvert, I re-charge by spending time alone)
• being healthy enough to participate in a 50-mile bike ride (coming up in 2 weeks). It is good to have something to look forward to, and something to motivate me to workout (especially since I'm lacking in the motivation department these days).
• having a husband that really loves me (I finally got it right - picking a good man!)
• having a good job that supplies a regular pay check.

Biking helps

Friday we returned home from a week at the beach. Saturday my husband left on a trip and I found myself alone in a big house with way too many thoughts of my son, my life, and why I am not happy with the state of either one. I could not get myself motivated and ate more than I should have. I suppose I was wallowing.
Later that evening I learned there was an organized bike ride in our city scheduled for the next day. I decided to register.
So this morning, I ventured out alone to join a bunch of other crazy cyclists, spinning their pedals all over town. I elected the longest route (not that long, really: 35 miles). The ride ended at a big food event in downtown. So I decided to hang around and enjoy some food and chef demonstrations.
As a result of my spontaneous decisions, I had a really good day - the antithesis of Saturday!
So glad I decided to go for a ride. Hopefully, this will get my week off to a good start.

Better than expected

The 24-hour visit just ended. All in all, I have much to be thankful for, though I still find myself somewhat in limbo; cautiously hopeful and afraid to hope at the same time. 

Daniel was allowed a 24-hr pass to visit with his family. We brought him to our beach home (where we are staying for our annual summer vacation. Together with my parents and my husband, the five of us had a preciously-uneventful, playful, and relaxing time together. In the 8-weeks Daniel has been in rehab, he has learned some manners, improved his social skills, and demonstrated he can be helpful. These are dramatic improvements.

 

More specifically, he:

• helped his grandma get in and out of the SUV
• spent the entire time with us (not in his room)
• helped set and clear the table (without being asked)
• waited for Grace to be said before starting to eat (and thanked the person who said it)
• served us dessert (and offered the last of the cheesecake to others)
• asked if he could be excused (rather than simply disappearing)
• played Bocce ball and went hiking with us
• did his own laundry
• conversed with everyone and when we were alone, asked how I was doing
• went to bed at a reasonable time and did not sleep in
• made his bed in the morning (without being asked)

Was he perfect? No. Was it warm and fuzzy? No. Did we have deep and meaningful conversation? Somewhat, but limited to his recovery. Did I cry when he left? Yes.

• How did I do? Better than in the past. I:
• didn't give him my opinion when I disagreed with something he said
• caught myself before offering to wash his sandy clothes and offered to show him how to use the front-loader instead (which he did)
• didn't nag him to dry his clothes, deciding that he would figure it out (and he did)
• didn't complain that he chewed tobacco
• didn't assume the responsibility for all the conversation and let there be silence
• listened with genuine interest to the stories about rehab and his reflections about what he is learnng

Whew. I feel relieved that it went as well as it did and I am glad he is gone. I am both happy and sad when he is around. Now that he is gone, I can relax again. I hate to say that but it is true for now.

 

I don't know how much I should hope for. I have become fatigued with the bombs of truth that drop on a regular basis and so I really don't know what is around the corner. I know I am still coming to terms with who my son has become and I am full of saddness. I know that he will make favorable progress only if he continues to commit to recovery. And I know this is "early recovery" with a long road ahead. Indeed, I am cautious, sad, hopeful, and skeptical. And that is a good reason for treating myself to a massage!

Deep breath. It's visiting day.

It has been 60 days since my son has entered rehab and 3 weeks since my last visit.
That last one was not so fun, to put it mildly.
I always thought of visiting someone as a positive, fun thing.
Hmmm, not so much when the visiting place is a rehab center.

Today I am taking a step: visiting again.
This time, Daniel has earned a pass - a 24-hour pass - which means I can bring him to the beach. It's our annual vacation week here at our family beach home. My husband and my parents are also here. I'm hopeful this combination of loved ones will enable our visit to be light and enjoyable. I've had my fill of heavy and emotional. We are all due for some neutral, even boring, time together.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I will let you know how it goes.